It is truth telling time. I love all your support-the encouraging words, the prayers, the meals, coming over to put new ink in my printer, everything. This is hard. My body has turned against me, mutiny on the cellular level.
Late nights are particularly hard lately. I woke up last night to find my legs tangled in the blankets, hanging off the edge of the bed. I thought I was going to fall. If it hadn't been for the blankets, I would have fallen. The most horrible part was my inability to pull myself back into bed. I had to wake up Adrienne for help.
Sleep is becoming harder due to my increased discomfort. Rolling over is a real challenge, requiring me to wake up, repositioning my legs with my hands then work my upper body to a new position. Standing up is also getting harder. It has been days since I did it on my own. Adrienne has been helping me transition from chair to bed and that has taken a toll on my shoulder. This morning, trying to get from the chair back into bed, I screamed "It's too hard!" and started sobbing. Adrienne leaned over me and smoothed my face with her hands until I stopped.
These are just some of the things that occupy the forefront of my mind. Sometimes, I catch myself thinking about the future. Will I ever walk again? Will my sickness progress? Where is the money going to come from to pay for this? Am I ever going to drive my VW bug again? Or is it something left over from my old life?
But thanks to a woman named Dana from a local medical supply company, I now have a wheel chair that I can get into and out of from the side, meaning I no longer have to stand up when transitioning. She also brought a special board that I can sit on and slide from one thing to another. This is a huge relief for me. I was able to go outside in thewarm sun and visit with the neighbors, watch the kids play, bum a smoke...
Hey, Michael.
ReplyDeleteReading your latest post had me immediately flash-backing to those first months with this thing. I remember so well those same problems with the bed. Just the weight of the sheets would sometimes drive me crazy! I almost fell one time, due to the fact that I was dreaming, and started to sleepwalk. I was up on my legs trying to get to the bathroom. Thank God I was only a step from the bed and could fall back onto it. It was crazy.
Then I started thinking, well, maybe my mind thinks I can do something, and I felt better after that. I'm glad you got a chair. Mine was my friend for over a year. But get somebody to go out and buy you some foam pieces to pn the seat. Makes a huge difference. Sometimes I would get mad at it, but that was silly on my part. Now, I have it parked in the garage, where I hope it remains. Be strong and enjoy each progression. Also, get a shower bench. You can slide onto it from the chair. Cleaning your own self is cathartic. Trust me on this one. And also get a hand-held shower faucet that you can get hooked up easily. I use it in the walk-in shower. But I think you can still use it with a tub design.
I appreciate you writing to me, as always. Curt.
I agree with you completely about the chair. I can't wait to get back into mine. I also can't wait to clean myself.
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