Wednesday, March 19, 2014

March 19, 2014

To celebrate the four years that have passed since I got sick and went into the hospital I

-practiced standing unassisted on rocking boat in the ocean

-rented a bike and pedaled around the island of Key West.

-thanked God for doing for  me what I couldn't do for myself.

-thanked Him again for the people who held me up and for the ones that loved me when I couldn't.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Six Months

I got my six month chip today.  To celebrate, I am doing a Cut and Paste Blog:

Beer and the quotes it has helped create over the years...
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
-Frank Sinatra
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
-William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
-Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
-Ernest Hemingway
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
-Dean Martin
Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink.
-G.K. Chesterton
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
-Catherine Zandonella
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
-Ambrose more...


Sunday, April 14, 2013

Sunday Gratitude

In the last week I washed the car, mowed the lawn, trimmed the edges, moved a bunch of dirt, built another garden box and moved it, dusted the house and swept the floors.

I've been so busy trying to get this stuff done that I forgot it wasn't that long ago I couldn't do them.

The bill for this physical activity has been coming at night, when the cramps and spasms.  Poor Adrienne, the other night she woke up to me pleading, "Help me!"

It is easy to think that being pain-free is a right, when it is really a privilege.    Same for mowing the lawn and the other things I mentioned in the first paragraph.  I love that I can do these things, including having a rough, painful night without narcotics.

I feel so good right now.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013


...days since I last worked.

On the plus side, I am feeling much better now, thank you.

Three years ago (yesterday) was the last time I worked and the first time I was hospitalized with CIDP.  I hardly think about those days any longer, other than to be grateful they are behind me.

I celebrated by buying some clothes online this morning.  Because, evidently, it has been more than three years since I bought any new clothes.

Did I mention I have begun looking for work?

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Can't sleep

I just had the craziest dream. I was 13 years-old and in seventh grade, in English class with some friends of mine-a couple I know from the program. We were not liked by the teacher, she stuck us up in a corner behind some things to isolate us from the class. We tried our best to keep up with the class. I knew this stuff for some reason already.

The teacher forgot to give us the same worksheet that the rest of the class was working on. Since we didn't know her name, I went to the front of the class to ask her for copies of the work. As I walked forward, I started to grow up. By the time I was close enough to talk to her, I was ready to take over the class. Mainly because one thing I know how to do is keep a roomful of seventh graders quiet and in their seats.

Weird, huh?

Anyway, I have been even more lax in writing than usual lately. Here are some pertinent points:

Passed my 90 day mark. 90 days is significant because now we start counting months of sobriety, days no longer.

On the eve of my ninetieth day I was on the floor of the emergency room bathroom throwing up from the pain of a kidney stone. At around 10 I got to see the doctor and explained to him that I was an addict in recovery, so no narcotics for me. They gave me this stuff called Toredal, a “super” anti-inflamatory.

It didn't work.

The effect was like setting fire to a book of matches then trying to put it out with spit..

Even though the pain was horrible, I was worried about compromising my sobriety. I have a problem with narcotics and was afraid to go back into that room. By 3 am, after five hours of struggling with the pain, I was exhausted. I could also feel I was starting to panic: it was getting harder to breath and I could feel my heart beating wildly in my chest. “Fuck it,” I thought, “They make white chips (to start or restart your sobriety) everyday.”

So I literally begged the ER doctor for something stronger.  They gave me a shot of Dilaudid and admitted me.  

While in the hospital I turned in a job application for an assistant librarian position here in town (my dream job).  But yes, I think I am ready to find some work.  

BTW I called my sponsor first thing the next morning.  He was very reassuring  as long as I am under a doctor's care, I did not break my sobriety.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Pretty good vacation

I am doing this in the back of a moving car, on my phone so it is not going to be pretty. 

We are taking Matt and Mercedes to the airport for their trip back to Vermont.  Their 10 day visit was really good and all concerned are sad to see it end. 

Last night Matt told us that he is seriously considering accepting our offer to move in with us.  That would be awesome.  I am sure part of that is because he wants to use the amazing workshop he created in the garage.

Picture to follow of that. 

We spent the Christmas Eve and Day hunkered down in our grinch cave, wishing that time would pass faster.  Gratefully, there were meetings for us to attend. 

But when Matt and Mercedes showed up, it really felt like Christmas.  That feeling continued throughout their visit because everyday we got to open a present.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

60 Days

There has been much that I have learned in the last 60 days, but I am still having trouble organizing my thoughts.

I guess the biggest thing I have learned is that "My worst day clean and sober is better than my best day using" is not such a cliche after all.  I had a shit ton of great times being high and doing cool stuff.  But, even at the very best of those times, I knew my search for the BBB would begin again.

BBB stands for Bigger, Better Buzz.  Even my best times, what ever they were, I was worrying about the good feeling ending and what I could do to prolong it, recreate it or make it better.

I am glad to be free of that.  It is freeing to be here, now and not thinking about what I need to put into my body to improve this moment or make future ones better.

The other day I found a picture of Eloise as a puppy.  Her ears are sticking up and she has this really goofy grin on her face..At the bottom, I wrote  "Right this moment, I am happy."

Eloise is my personal clown-dog
Sobriety doesn't always make me happy, but it does give me what I need when I need it, which is only in this moment.