Thursday, March 3, 2011

My Gratitude List

I have been feeling a little gunky emotionally lately.  New tough time of year, I guess.  I have been so busy thinking about what happened last year that I am scaring myself.

People used to comment on how, during the worst of it,  I was keeping my spirits up, that I had an optimistic attitude, and I was relying on God to see me though the bad days and bad moments.  To my thinking that was because I was making the choices to do those things.  I didn't want to get lost in fear and despair.  It was like a big hole in the road that I could either go into or go around.

It has been getting harder to go around that hole.  Saying that I will make the right choices, such as being positive, or actively seeking knowledge of God's will for me, may be easy, but  following through can be every difficult.  I may say the words, but if I am lost in my own head, I am probably too busy to do them. I need tools to help, otherwise, I find myself crashing into the emotional mire of the mind.  One of the best tools for me is fellowship, something I have been denying myself lately.  I haven't been going to meetings or church, pleading exhaustion.

A friend once told me that every hour he invests in his program pays him back twice as much.

Last night I went to an Ala-non meeting and the topic was gratitude.  We were given paper and pencil and told to write the word gratitude down one side.  At each letter, we had to write something we were grateful for that began with that letter.  Here is mine:

G-Going on vacation tomorrow!  This was the vacation that was cancelled last spring.
R-Recovery, both physical and spiritual.
A-Al-anon, and Adrienne
T-Time to learn.  I am not sure what that meant, but after that I gave up trying to match letters to items.
I-First I wrote Insurance, but later I changed it to my iPod
T-Tumblr, my new internet addiction.
D-Dr. Boughaba, my neurologist, but also Detachment and my Dogs would fit there.
E-Attitude, as in being able to change my own.  It is not as easy as it sounds, but still doable.
M-My granddaughter, Mercedes.

Today was a full day, IVIg in the morning, the chiropractor this afternoon and packing packing packing.  I am exhausted, and, surprisingly, I am having a revelation:

This is a good moment.

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