This time a year ago I had been recently discharged from Jewish, I was still walking with a cane and I had finished my first round of IVIg. I also started physical therapy, but could not make it for the full hour. They suggested I switch from a cane to a walker.
Despite that, I was feeling pretty positive; I could still walk and my prognosis was good. My doctor predicted I would be able to go back to work soon. Recovery would take time, but it was on the way.
On March 4 of 2010, I wrote "Since last summer, I have been praying for God to make me a better man, a better husband, father, son, Christian, etc. I don't think that my recent illness was an answer to my prayer, but I do believe that it has been a chance to learn to use some of the tools I have available."
March 25: "Courage to Change reminds me to take it 'one task, one step, one day at a time.' By focusing on getting through the moments instead of wishing they weren't happening, I get closer to where I am going. To get through those difficult moments, I have my Higher Power and the tools of He has given me"
The really dark days were still ahead of me. And I survived them. According to what people tell me, I survived them well. That pleases me, but it also sets the bar pretty high. I can't stand it that I am not perfect. It borders on self loathing that I am not the superlative of whatever endeavor I am pursuing. The irony is that instead of being inspired to do better, I beat myself up even harder. Someone once accused me of being "self flagellating" and they were right.
I am pretty good at that.