Sunday, April 10, 2011

Jesus is Lord

I have always heard that "God will never give you more than you can handle,"  and there are two opposing ways to look at it:  Sometimes that is good news, sometimes it is not.  After all, who wants to be tested?  I would never chose to be driven to the point where I end and my Higher Power has to take over.  One of the good things about that sort of testing is it can improve my relationship with God.  But what happens once the test is finished?  
This time a year ago I had been recently discharged from Jewish, I was still walking with a cane and I had finished my first round of IVIg.  I also started physical therapy, but could not make it for the full hour.  They suggested I switch from a cane to a walker.

Despite that, I was feeling pretty positive; I could still walk and my prognosis was good.  My doctor predicted I would be able to go back to work soon.  Recovery would take time, but it was on the way.

On March 4 of 2010, I wrote "Since last summer, I have been praying for God to make me a better man, a better husband, father, son, Christian, etc. I don't think that my recent illness was an answer to my prayer, but I do believe that it has been a chance to learn to use some of the tools I have available."

March 25:  "Courage to Change reminds me to take it 'one task, one step, one day at a time.' By focusing on getting through the moments instead of wishing they weren't happening, I get closer to where I am going. To get through those difficult moments, I have my Higher Power and the tools of He has given me"

The really dark days were still ahead of me.  And I survived them.  According to what people tell me, I survived them well.  That pleases me, but it also sets the bar pretty high.  I can't stand it that I am not perfect.  It borders on self loathing that I am not the superlative of whatever endeavor I am pursuing.  The irony is that instead of being inspired to do better, I beat myself up even harder.  Someone once accused me of being "self flagellating" and they were right.

I am pretty good at that.


  1. Hi Michael,

    So many issues I can relate to in this post but "I can't stand it that I'm not perfect" leapt out at me. My own perfectionism presents an on-going struggle for me and I find accepting that I am 'a work in progress' is a never ending challenge!


  2. Between the pain, the amount of work that needs to be done to get the house ready for market, and the effect that pain pills (mostly tramadol, a non narcotic pain killer)have on my mood, I am feeling more imperfect than usual these days.