Friday, December 31, 2010
Knowledge to carry it out blues
Tuesday, December 28, 2010 10:47 AM
This is the last day of 2010 and I do not intend to reflect on the year past searching for clues and encouragement to face the year ahead. 2010 was a pretty turbulent year for me and I am looking forward to seeing it disappear my rear view mirror.
Not that it was all bad; to be truthful, the good far outweighs the bad. There was plenty of change for me and change is almost always a painful experience. Anyone who has quit smoking or some other deeply ingrained behavior knows this. At least with smoking or eating, there is some sort of physical record. I can see myself cadging a cigarette from my neighbor or eating peanut butter out of the jar at midnight to know that I have not given up smoking or grazing.
External changes are one thing, internal changes are another. I made plenty of external changes this year-I was paralyzed, then got over it to name one. But inside, I am still the person I always have been, whether I want to be or not. The biggest difference is the list of things I can do is shorter now.
One of the biggest internal changes I this year is my attitude about receiving. We needed plenty of help to get through the most difficult times; friends who brought their tools, their food, and the light of Christ, to me gave me daily miracle. Receiving a miracle of this magnitude plays tricks with my mind. I did nothing to deserve this, yet here it was.
I heard in a meeting that life isn't always fair; I disagree, life is fair, but not in the way I want it to be. High points and low points are completely random.
There are many close to me that are suffering worse than I am. I want to say to God, “You cured me, why won't you fix their problems?” But just because I have received a miracle doesn't give me the power to pass that on to others. As painful as it is to admit, I cannot heal people around me by touch.
Every day I ask God for knowledge of His will and the strength to carry it out. I think I have begun to believe that I am omnipotent.
At an Ala-non meeting this past week, I remembered the Serenity prayer, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference,” has three parts, acceptance, courage, and wisdom. I had been concentrating on the middle part, “courage to change,” omitting the “things I can” part.
I had forgotten the serenity section, which mean that I had lost my serenity.
Jesus could only do so much during his life, that is why he created a team carry on his work. I am proud to be on that team, in whatever way I may serve.
At Wednesday night's meeting I remembered that strength is the second thing we ask our Higher Power for; the first is serenity, “the serenity to accept the things we can not change.” I forgot that there is not a lot I am responsible, outside of myself. Everyone else on my prayer list has their own Higher Power, however they define it, looking over them.
Tonight is New Year's Eve. We will probably spend like we usually do, dinner at a pizza place, a movie we can agree on, then asleep b y 10. I will probably spend plenty of time thinking about the last year, just to remind myself of the great lessons I learned.
I am still struggling with my cold/flu. I am plenty weak and easily tired these days-somewhat of a default level for me anyway. I spent 24 hours in the hospital on Christmas Day afgter a night of being very sick. They stuck an IV in my arm for fluids and tested my blood for infection. That came back negative. The worst part for me was waking up Saturday morning and nnot being able to move or get get up on my own.
A week later, I feel much better, but still weak, my default level anyway. There is congestion in my nose, but not in my lungs. My doctor has added an anti biotic, Culturelle, and an anti nausea medicine. Ironically, the anti nausea medicine makes me sick to my stomach.
Natasha and Mercedes left to go back home on Wednesday. Every time I see one of her toys under a piece of furniture, I start to sob.
Friday, December 31, 2010, 8:00 PM