Sunday, January 8th, we had the pleasure of taking Natasha's daughter, my granddaughter, Mercedes to our new church in Statesboro. She was very well-behaved and joined in the service to the best of her ability. She stood when we stood and during the hymns, held hymnal open in front of her, just like the rest of us. Wow, what a cute kid.
Mercedes is not shy at all. At the Christmas Eve service, when the pastor was started to introduce a special visitor, she yelled, "Here I am!" This morning, she took great advantage of the pre-church fellowship to introduce herself to our pew mates. She greeted them forthrightly, looking right at them and saying her name, her age, and how much she weighs. And sometimes she added “and my Mommy is dead.”
The pastor declared that this the first real Sunday of 2012 because there were so few people in church last week (New Years Day). He a prayer of thanksgiving for the blessings we had been given in 2011 and remembering the "saints" that had passed. This reminded me that today would have been Natasha's 26th birthday.
We then prayed for 2012. I was thinking about where my mind was last year. I was grateful 2010 was over and I had high hopes for 2011. Ironically, 2010 is the good old days and 2011 was the year that everything went black.
The pastor declared that this the first real Sunday of 2012 because there were so few people in church last week (New Years Day). He a prayer of thanksgiving for the blessings we had been given in 2011 and remembering the "saints" that had passed. This reminded me that today would have been Natasha's 26th birthday.
We then prayed for 2012. I was thinking about where my mind was last year. I was grateful 2010 was over and I had high hopes for 2011. Ironically, 2010 is the good old days and 2011 was the year that everything went black.
2010 was a hard year, and I was exhausted at the end of it. But I had been able to turn to God for comfort. There scary times, but I felt Jesus was with me during them.
Ever since Natasha died in September that feeling has gone.
Recently I confessed these feelings to
one of my oldest friends. I told her how puzzled I was by this.
When I was sick, my faith gave me lots of comfort. Now there is nothing. It is worse than nothing, now I feel like crap. The colors really are not as bright as they used to be.
She told me that when I was ill, I had "turned my face to God." Now she sees me sitting alone in a room, my back to the wall, face buried in my arms, refusing to look up and see Jesus.
Our anthem song that morning was “He Leadeth me,” another favorite of mine.
She told me that when I was ill, I had "turned my face to God." Now she sees me sitting alone in a room, my back to the wall, face buried in my arms, refusing to look up and see Jesus.
Our anthem song that morning was “He Leadeth me,” another favorite of mine.
He leadeth me, o blessed thought
o words with heavenly comfort frought!
What e'er I do, where e're I be
Still 'tis God's hand that leadth me
He leadeth me He leadeth me,
By his own hand, He leadeth me;
His faithful follower I would be,
For by His hand He leadeth me
Sometimes 'md scenes of deepest gloom,
Sometimes where Eden's bowers bloom,
By waters still, o'er troubled sea
still tis His hand that leaddeth me
Lord I would place my hand in Thine,
Nor ever murmur nor repine;
Content, whatever lot I see,
Since 'tis my God that leadeth me.
And when my task on earth is done,
When by Thy grace the vict'ry's won,
When by Thy grace the vict'ry's won,
E'en death's cold wave I will not flee
Since God through Jordan leadrth me.
William b. Bradbury
I remember Mercedes standing on the pew, holding her hymnal proudly in front of her, singing her heart out this unknown song. I envy her willingness to be lead.
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