Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Preparations are in full swing for me to return home. I am excited and nervous. Mostly I am nervous.
I woke up this morning feeling extremely anxious. Going home is a big deal. I am afraid that there are too many unknowns. I want to say that I am comforted and reassured and being held, but to put on any kind of brave face would be a lie. My intellectual knows that I am protected and I will be healed, but my emotional is in panic mode.
Since yesterday I've been telling everyone who will listen that I don't feel ready to go home for. Being able to say these words help. Then I think about all the support and encouragement I have received in the last few weeks. The first one that comes to mind is this, "God won't bring you to it unless He's going to bring you through it."
Next, I remembered to pray for God's grace; the grace to do His will and accept whatever comes before me. I received a book in the mail last weekend called "Why? Trusting God when you don't understand." This verse is before the first chapter; "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" Proverbs 3:5
As I was reading that verse, a woman came into my room and told me it was one of her favorites. She reminded me that God was caring for me. Being reminded of God's power and his love for me was very powerful.
Then I went swimming. Going swimming involved using a hoist chair to get me into the water and flotation device to keep my head above water. Once I got used to being in the water I found out that my legs worked! When my therapist took me out into the pool and I could see my legs pumping and kicking underwater I began to cry tears of joy.
In preparation for my discharge, Adrienne has been coming to the Drake Center to learn how to care for me when I return. I think it is a relief for her to actually be able to put hands on me and help me through the challenging tasks in my day. It's hard for me to ask her to do these things to me. It's as if they are too intimate. She treats me with gentleness and sensitivity and courage. While I appreciate her gentleness and sensitivity, her courage inspires me.
Having her here with me, she sleeping in a cot next to my bed while I write, and her learning how to help me makes me very happy. It gives me an even stronger sense of hope for the time to come. I'm excited about going home. It will be challenging, but I think it will be challenging in a good way. The first time in over a month, I will be in my own home, surrounded by my own things.
Plus, for the first time in over a month, in I will have a reliable Internet connection.