Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Dark thoughts

Monday, May 3, 2010

Dark thoughts

I woke up Sunday morning in a deep depression. During the night I had come to the realization that my infirmity is going to last much longer than I thought. Recovery from Guillain Barre Syndrome is measured in months, maybe years.

Most troubling is how treacherous my body has become. The frustration of not being able to do simple things is great. So is the fear of falling. Sitting on the edge of the bed, and bending forward to touch my toes can be very exciting. I’m afraid my body will betray me further and surrender to the pull of gravity, causing me to crash to the floor.

Have you ever heard the joke about the man trapped on the roof of his house during a flood? He prays to God for salvation. Along comes a boat, then another a boat and a helicopter. Each time the man turns down their offers of help, saying that God will save him. When the man drowns and goes to Heaven he challenges God, saying “Why didn’t you help me when I prayed? “ And God replies “Help? I sent a boat, I sent a helicopter…”

Late in the evening on Saturday, I realized that I still had my shorts and my mantyhose hose on (very tight stockings I have to wear to prevent blood clots). I decided to take them off myself because I wanted to prove how independent I could be. After nearly 45 minutes all I’d succeeded in doing was getting myself tangled in my clothes. In my frustration, I muttered, “Please, Jesus!” No sooner had the words left my lips when my aide came in, asking if I needed any help.

A therapist explained to me that depression is part of the process of coming to terms with accepting the diagnosis of a severe illness or injury. There are four stages to go through. The final stage, instead of being called acceptance is redefinition or redefining. This is the stage where the patient redefines them self in terms of who they are now, not who they were.

And so I’m beginning to see that my illness is more severe than I thought. That is neither good nor bad thing. But it is something that I have to accept. However, I am still hoping for complete recovery. But as God showed me on Saturday night, He is still with me and is answering my prayers.

Writing this blog is been very helpful for me. Your feedback and responses have been even more helpful. What is also been very helpful is being in contact with other people with GBS. Curt has been a great source of support and information since I got sick. Please take a minute and check out his latest blog entry. It certainly filled me with hope today.

May is Guillain Barre Syndrome Awareness Month

1 comment:

  1. Hi My Love,
    Remember that you are never alone. Remember the story of the footprints in the sand. God is carrying you now. Can you feel Him? I wish I could be there every minute to remind you that you are not alone but while I am here you are always in my thoughts. I look forward to the day you come home. I know that will be a scary transition but I will be here for you and you will see even more how God works through people. I am honored to have your for a husband and I am prouder of the new person you are than I was of the person you were. I didn't think that was possible but there it is.