There has been much that I have learned in the last 60 days, but I am still having trouble organizing my thoughts.
I guess the biggest thing I have learned is that "My worst day clean and sober is better than my best day using" is not such a cliche after all. I had a shit ton of great times being high and doing cool stuff. But, even at the very best of those times, I knew my search for the BBB would begin again.
BBB stands for Bigger, Better Buzz. Even my best times, what ever they were, I was worrying about the good feeling ending and what I could do to prolong it, recreate it or make it better.
I am glad to be free of that. It is freeing to be here, now and not thinking about what I need to put into my body to improve this moment or make future ones better.
The other day I found a picture of Eloise as a puppy. Her ears are sticking up and she has this really goofy grin on her face..At the bottom, I wrote "Right this moment, I am happy."
|Eloise is my personal clown-dog|