Angel Band

It has been a week since my daughter, Natasha, died.  Adrienne, Alex and I arrived home in Georgia on Wednesday afternoon.  After only a few weeks, this is our home now and Vermont is the alien country.  I tremulously wandered around our condo, reacquainting myself to the familiar territory; I was the changed one.

I've given myself permission to spend today in bed, even though it looks great outside and the temperature is (relatively) cooler.  Tomorrow is  my first IVIg in 31 days.  This is the longest I have gone between infusions so far.

I am not sure if that is why I feel so rotten (really tired, lots of pain, unsteady on my feet) or if there is another reason.  When I had the flu last December, it took months for me to recover; it is plausible that my exhaustion might be left over from the move.

I feel guilty about wasting a beautiful day like today.  But the idea of doing what I need to to do get out there is beyond my capabilities right now.  Good thing Alex is here to drain the dogs.

If you love something, let it go to Florida

My son Alex came to Ohio this summer to help  out when I was bed ridden. He spent months caring for me, helping me exercise, helping me get in and out of the car, and so many other things the list could go on. He also took on several house hold tasks to help Adrienne. Whenever we needed him, all we had to do was ask and he was right there. Even in the middle of the night, I could call  and he would come to roll me over or reposition the pillows so I could get back to sleep.

And he did everything with a smile. His cheerful attitude and sense of humor kept our spirits up all through the summer. His love of word play would remind me that life is meant to be enjoyed, not endured.

But Alex is  a sun child; he doesn't like cold weather. Knowing this time was coming, he has been working on getting himself set up with a place in Florida. He is leaving tomorrow, first thing in the morning. We will miss having him around.  

The truth is, I will never be able to repay him for the kindness and the generosity he showed me this summer. He gave me something I could never afford or repay myself. I guess that is the best definition of “gift” I can find.

Al & me, Summer, 2010

“Yes,” “Not now,” and “I have something better”

Monday, November 15, 2010 12:14 PM

Adrienne left for Statesboro, Georgia today for an interview at The University of Southern Georgia. As expected, this is a big deal. The position seems like a good fit for her and being invited to meet faculty is a good sign. Also an anxiety inducing one.

Naturally, there has been plenty of tension in our house because we don't know what to expect; will they offer her a place or does she have to go back to the beginning?

We started the process of preparing to leave Oxford over a year ago-Adrienne had to finish her dissertation and graduate, find a job, we had to sell the house and find new housing, etc...

Then along came the economic downturn, which made selling a house and finding a job more difficult, and my debilitating illness. Being paralyzed or so fantastically weak means that I haven't been able to be much of a partner for a lot of this. Thank Heaven for Alex, he has proven that his shoulders are wide enough.

There is a lot going on this week-Adrienne's interview, Alex and me home alone for the first time, the our trip to New Orleans (my first major trip as a non-TAB), and Alex staying behind to look after the pets. I don't know about my other house mates, but my stomach is tied up in knots.

When I question the future, I am reminded something Adrienne taught me; when we ask God for something, He has three responses, “Yes,” “Not now,” and “I have something better.”

This morning we both prayed for knowledge of His will and the strength to carry it out. That greatly simplifies and focuses things.

Monday, November 15, 2010 01:07 PM