Weird, Wild and Wonderful (Blind Boys of Alabama Transition) - final version?

Weird, Wild and Wonderful

(Blind Boys of Alabama Transition)

Weird, wild and wonderful – that was my supplication to a God I thought was listening and would answer my prayer as I stood on the hot football field at Norwalk Junior High School in 1983, waiting for my high school graduation ceremony to begin. Sweating under my graduation gown beneath the bright sun, I repeated my plea inside my over heated head, "Please God, I don't know what is going to happen next but let it be weird, wild and wonderful.”

That was my blueprint for the future. Not the most carefully laid out plan, but one that seemed doable. The last hurdles were laid in front of me - spending the summer working on the county road crews, then going off to Miami University in Oxford, Ohio. I had spent the first 18 years of my life in the same, safe house on Main Street where I knew every nook and cranny, from the slap-dashed painted garage in the back to all the unique noises the joists and floorboards made throughout the night. I was not so much bored but more like anxious to see what else was out there (whatever there turned out to be).

Five years later, I just barely graduated MU with a degree in English Education. I say just barely because the next time I checked, twenty years later when I returned to Oxford, my low GPA would have prevented me from graduating. Not like that diploma ever did anything other than serve as a receipt for 5 years of tuition. And like my last graduation, the one in 1983, my goal was simple: watch my previous home recede in the rear view mirror before leaping feet-first into the deep end of life. This time, moving to Vermont to "see what happens.” I would never admit the ugly truth — ugly because it barely hid my shame — to my family, the friends I had left, or even myself. Once my short-term job in the Green Mountains ended, I wasn't going back. I had no intention of returning to Ohio to teach middle school English like I had promised my parents.



Proof that the best laid plan of mice and men often go awry. In 2006, I returned to Ohio, with Adrienne, my wife, two dogs and two cats, so she could finish her education by earning a PhD from Miami University.

Not only were we moving to Ohio, but we were going to live in Oxford, Ohio, a place I had never left so much as escaped.

I never was much of a planner. To paraphrase a line from an old Vincent Price movie I barely remember watching early one morning late at night, “Man is like water, open a passage to the East and he flows east, open a passage to the West, he flows west.” That was me alright, restlessly waiting for the world to open a channel for me to pour through.

Vincent Price, Confessions of an Opium Addict

Thank you, Jesus

finally, after months of debating and researching we brought home our new dog. He is a young adult, weighs 13 pounds and is quite shy. Eloise and Thor welcomed him in their own ways.  Now he is enjoying exploring his new home.

In other news, I wiggled my big toes for the first time since I got sick.

Stressing

My stress test is tomorrow at 7:45.  I kinda think that the end result will be my doctors telling me to eat better and exercise more.  I still feel lazy if there is something I don't get done in a timely fashion.  Leaving things half done never bothered me before I got sick, ask Adrienne.

I am curious to see if I have lost any weight.  More on that later

Ash Wednesday

After our morning coffee in bed, Adrienne and I went to a local  beach so she could have her morning walk on the beach. There were several groups of people doing their morning exercise routines, some with personal trainers and bright equipment. Most walked or ran across the white sand.

My Gratitude List

I have been feeling a little gunky emotionally lately.  New tough time of year, I guess.  I have been so busy thinking about what happened last year that I am scaring myself.

People used to comment on how, during the worst of it,  I was keeping my spirits up, that I had an optimistic attitude, and I was relying on God to see me though the bad days and bad moments.  To my thinking that was because I was making the choices to do those things.  I didn't want to get lost in fear and despair.  It was like a big hole in the road that I could either go into or go around.

My day out

Monday, January 31, 2011 10:43:47 PM

We woke on Wednesday morning to a house with no electricity which meant no heat, to Internet, and NO COFFEE. There was a huge ice storm in South-West Ohio last night, leaving everything coated in glass. It is very pretty to look at, but getting out of the house to find heat, Internet and good coffee was pretty tricky.

If you love something, let it go to Florida

My son Alex came to Ohio this summer to help  out when I was bed ridden. He spent months caring for me, helping me exercise, helping me get in and out of the car, and so many other things the list could go on. He also took on several house hold tasks to help Adrienne. Whenever we needed him, all we had to do was ask and he was right there. Even in the middle of the night, I could call  and he would come to roll me over or reposition the pillows so I could get back to sleep.

And he did everything with a smile. His cheerful attitude and sense of humor kept our spirits up all through the summer. His love of word play would remind me that life is meant to be enjoyed, not endured.

But Alex is  a sun child; he doesn't like cold weather. Knowing this time was coming, he has been working on getting himself set up with a place in Florida. He is leaving tomorrow, first thing in the morning. We will miss having him around.  

The truth is, I will never be able to repay him for the kindness and the generosity he showed me this summer. He gave me something I could never afford or repay myself. I guess that is the best definition of “gift” I can find.

Al & me, Summer, 2010

An answered prayer

Friday, November 26, 2010 10:10 AM

We flew into Dayton last night and boy, are my arms tired! I couldn't resist. It was a late night for us and I had an early morning today. We are both tired and I am feeling a little under the weather (sick). It is probably from my poor dietary choices and not from a bug.

We left New Orleans on Monday and drove to Mobile, Alabama to visit a childhood friend of Adrienne and her husband. After a good night's sleep, followed by a long nap in the morning, we made it to their house early in the afternoon. For the next two days, they treated us like royalty, opening their home to us and chauffeuring us around Mobile.

I pushed myself on our site seeing visits, walking as much as possible. We visited a Civil War era fort at the mouth of Mobile Bay and I must have walked at least 90% of our time there,going around the perimeter and down stairs on my feet. It was fun to see the world from that height. It did take its toll on me and wear me out.

On the way out, an elderly lady approached our group and asked, “Well, did he behave himself?” The rest of the gang paused to talk with her and joke about my behavior. I rolled ahead, embarrassed at being talked about as if I were a hyperactive twelve-year-old.

When I calmed down, I realized that I had it wrong; she wasn't singleing me out because I was a special, she was trying to ingratiate herself with us in a friendly way. I remember a very social client who was mildly retarded and used a walker because he had cerebral palsy. One of the things he liked to do was approach a pair of people having an animated conversation, such as two women in the grocery store where he worked. Once in position, he would wait until the conversation reached a point where both women would begin laughing. He would laugh with them and say something like, “You just don't know...” at which point, the ladies would include him in the conversation, as if he had been there all along. Tricky bastard.

Adrienne's friend and her husband many rather personal questions about what happened to me, “What was the worst part? How many medications did I take daily ? My illness was monopolizing the conversation and I began to feel a little self-conscious. Was I the ambassador for disabled?

One of the things that Al-anon has taught me is that when other people exhibit annoying behaviors, it is often because I find the same things annoying in my self.

With that in mind, I flipped my perspective and realized that these 3 people were trying to do something I had difficulty doing; ask some one questions about their disability. Once I had a friend who was in a wheelchair and I let that chair get in between us.I never asked him why he was there or anything about his life outside of the narrow focus of our shared interests. I never did it because I was afraid to bring these subjects up. That was silly of me.

He may have welcomed sharing that part of his life with me. If not, he was capable of letting me know. This may have deepened and improved our relationship. It would have been helpful to talk to him about these things when I got sick and realized I was about to become disabled.

I sent him an email last summer, but never heard back. I hope I'll hear from again; I miss him and the things we talked about. We also might have done the other thing friends do; support each other through difficult times.

We left Mobile Thursday afternoon drove to Louis Armstrong International Airport in New Orleans for our flight home. I was once again groped by TSA; was no easier the second time. However, this time, the Air-Tran employees were very courteous, speaking only to me about myself and asking before grabbing my chair.

I left the South renewed and encouraged by the friendly people we had met. I don't think it was because I was a handicapped, but because they were genuinely good people.

I especially appreciated the hotel. The room accommodated myself and my chair nicely and the bed was comfortable. We were late leaving the motel, largely due to my exhaustion. An employee came to our room to check on us. She also took a moment to hold Adrienne's hand and prayed for our safe travel home.  She showed herself to be braver than me.

Friday, November 26, 2010 12:34 PM

Going to New Orleans with an aching in my heart

Friday, November 11, 10:30 PM

Up early, after an early night. I took an ambien as soon as I finished packing (around 8 pm) the Thursday and slept though until Adrienne woke me at 4 am. The airport was jumping when we arrived two hours later; maybe because it was the Friday before Thanksgiving. We were both excited and nervous about my first trip since I got sick. It was also going to be our fist vacation in over a year. It certainly was going to be an education trip for us and hopefully a few others we encountered along the way.

Getting through security was an uncomfortable experience. I had to submit to a body search-hands down my pants, etc. It was explained to me by the apologetic TSA agent who would soon be sticking his gloved hands under my butt, that these were the new security rules for wheelchairs, so I can expect the same on the return trip. I chose not to go into the privacy booth, rather remaining in full sight for everyone to see. These rules are to make my fellow passengers feel safer, but I don't believe they make us any safer in reality.

Getting on the plane was also uncomfortable since I wasn't allowed to speak for myself. It was suffocating to sit in my chair, the TAB's towering over me, talking about me while my contributions to the conversation were ignored or die d unsaid in my mouth. In hindsight, it seems like being overly sensitive, but I remember how angry I felt when it was happening. P erhaps it had to do with the humiliation of already being groped just because I was in a wh eelchair, but I couldn't speak up for myself. I felt powerless in the presence of these giants who could treat me anyway they chose.

By the time we get to New Orleans, I am stressed out, sore, and very tired. I am also very snippy and argumentative with Adrienne. The first thing I did when we get to the room was flop down and take a nap.

We stayed in the hotel where Gerontological Society of America was having its conference. The hotel room had a walk in shower with a bench for me to sit on and the closet had a set of lower bars that were reachable from my chair.

I was amazed at how parsimonious the Hilton was with amenities. One would expect that for $200 a night, the Internet would be free and there would be a continental breakfast. The only free amenities were the towels and and one cup of coffee from the in room coffee maker.

This was our third trip to New Orleans. We had both been there twice before and we were happy to find it was still a fun and beautiful place. Navigating through the French Quarter was a challenge because the old sidewalks were very uneven. Luckily for me, Adrienne was there to push me when I was too tired to continue, which was often.

We forgot to bring the card reader, so I won't be able to post any pictures until we get home on Thursday.

“Yes,” “Not now,” and “I have something better”

Monday, November 15, 2010 12:14 PM

Adrienne left for Statesboro, Georgia today for an interview at The University of Southern Georgia. As expected, this is a big deal. The position seems like a good fit for her and being invited to meet faculty is a good sign. Also an anxiety inducing one.

Naturally, there has been plenty of tension in our house because we don't know what to expect; will they offer her a place or does she have to go back to the beginning?

We started the process of preparing to leave Oxford over a year ago-Adrienne had to finish her dissertation and graduate, find a job, we had to sell the house and find new housing, etc...

Then along came the economic downturn, which made selling a house and finding a job more difficult, and my debilitating illness. Being paralyzed or so fantastically weak means that I haven't been able to be much of a partner for a lot of this. Thank Heaven for Alex, he has proven that his shoulders are wide enough.

There is a lot going on this week-Adrienne's interview, Alex and me home alone for the first time, the our trip to New Orleans (my first major trip as a non-TAB), and Alex staying behind to look after the pets. I don't know about my other house mates, but my stomach is tied up in knots.

When I question the future, I am reminded something Adrienne taught me; when we ask God for something, He has three responses, “Yes,” “Not now,” and “I have something better.”

This morning we both prayed for knowledge of His will and the strength to carry it out. That greatly simplifies and focuses things.

Monday, November 15, 2010 01:07 PM